The Surprising Key Ingredient
Precious One,
If you’re new around here, or don’t have a chance to read my articles or listen to the podcast often, I’d like to welcome you to All Hands Art and reintroduce myself.
I’m Pam Consear, a recovering rule-follower, perfectionist, “good girl” and people pleaser.
I was going to rattle off my professional bio, out of habit and cultural training, but that would only tell you how I’ve earned money. I thought I’d share my deepest psychological struggles instead. 😉
Now I wonder: What would your revised intro include?
Unwinding the Contortionists
In a roundabout way, I discovered this wildly imperfect, creative-risk-taking life that embodies my values and my strengths. I currently spend my days reading and writing and making and teaching art to people who wrestle with their own self-judgment and impossible standards. Then in the evenings I sing and dance in order to regularly confront my inner critic. 🤓
Not because “practice makes perfect” but because practice is the point.
I also coach folks who crave authenticity and relief, who are exhausted from decades of contorting themselves into some phony societal ideal: the always-available and ever-patient mother; the boss with no cracks in the façade; the relentless striver to whom rest equals weakness.
The condition of our world is demonstrating that this gig is up. More and more souls are refusing to be sucked any drier. The Great Resignation is one measure of this truth. So is creative entrepreneurship and any investment you make in your artistic life.
The Surprising Key Ingredient
People might come to me to learn strategy and technique (how did you start a podcast? how do you grout the edges of a mosaic?), but those are not my main concerns. Underneath the practical surface, their questions are really, Am I qualified to create? Am I allowed to do what I love?
That’s what I’m really addressing, and what I point them to is both accessible and elusive. It can’t be transmitted through YouTube videos, but anyone can cultivate it.
Any amount of “success” I’ve achieved — and by success I mean that deep knowledge that you’re doing what you came to Earth to do — has come not from driving myself harder, but from going easier on my tender person. That’s right: self-compassion is the key.
If this sounds counter-intuitive and you need scientific proof, it’s right here in Dr. Kristin Neff’s research. (Ok, so maybe YouTube videos can help after all!) Her work shows that, briefly stated, self-compassion gets better results than self-berating.
She distills self-compassion down to the following three components (although I’m reversing the order she presents them in).
Mindfulness: the awareness that we are suffering
Common humanity: the understanding that our imperfections and sufferings are what mark us as humans, not what make us separate from other humans
Self-kindness: talking to yourself like you would talk to a dear friend
I’ve used these elements again and again, and quite simply, they work. Yes, you could keep going with the self-flagellation. Or you can reach into this very portable toolkit, apply the three principles, and move through-and-beyond the shame spirals much quicker and with healthier results.
We all have a choice, every time.
Let me demonstrate.
Here’s how it goes for me in an admittedly low-stakes but realistic situation:
💃🏻🧐 I go out into the improv dance circle, things don’t go the way I wish they would have, and I start to self-criticize. But wait! 💡 I can shift out of that tired old habit! I notice, “Hey, this sorta sucks for me right now. I’m embarrassed about what I just did, and the oogley sensation is rising in my gut.” That’s Step 1: mindfulness of how I’m feeling.
👯♀️👯♂️ Then I tell myself, “You know, Pam, everybody here has made mistakes. We all know the feeling. Ugh, being human sure is messy!” That’s Step 2: recognizing imperfection and suffering as markers of our common humanity.
🥰 Finally, I give myself a little pep talk: “I know mistakes are welcomed here and greeted with an even louder olé — if anyone even noticed. We’re all just here to learn anyway. I’m being brave by even stepping out there! I’ll keep at it.” That’s Step 3: treating myself with kindness.
Now you try.
Unexpected, perhaps, but it’s my best advice for art-making anxiety and business mishaps. Not to mention parenting quagmires, relationship snafus, and all the other human foibles we encounter or create.
Healing “out there in the world” must begin with healing inside ourselves. Each tiny act of self-compassion ripples out to benefit those around us, and together they help move the whole darn thing forward. ❤️🩹
That’s how transformation happens: Little things are actually big things.
I’d love to hear how self-compassion has opened up passageways for you. Where are you being brave and kind to yourself?
With gratitude for our beautiful imperfections,
Pam
